Sweeney Todd-ette

So I got a haircut in Salem, Massachusetts this summer. For less than it cost to tip 20% on my haircut in New York. Are you interested in sparkle hair extensions? asks Melisha. No, thanks, I’m good. The champagne color one looks real natural on blondes. Gosh, wow, I bet. I just, you know, job … Continue reading

Good Fortunes; Cosmic Convos

I take the train to Monday acupuncture. I cough up 65 bones to the only dude who gets to stick needles into my body who also has a state certification. “Wow, gosh, everyone’s paying me today,” says Rufus. “Sweet.” (For those of you just joining us, sometimes I have no money). “Last night I had … Continue reading

At the Registry of Motor Vehicles

It is Black Friday 2011. I am at the Liberty Tree Mall Registry of Motor Vehicles for a Massachusetts State driver’s license. Because I hate myself and I don’t value my time and stab me in the face kill me.  Because I live here now. I hand over my old New York State ID to … Continue reading

New Coat, Magic Boobs

At Macy’s Downtown Crossing, I hear a very loud voice. Thick eastern European accent with undertones of advanced age, a pack-a-day, and unstoppable enthusiasm. I pick out a heavy black wool coat and bring it up to The Voice who is manning the register. “Excuse me, ma’am, is this coat on sale?” The Voice reaches … Continue reading

Thank You for Choosing Delta!

“We moved you up!” says the flight attendant named Champayne as the machine spits out my new & improved boarding pass.  11A.  “Thanks,” I say as she tears up the old ticket for 28D.  My face gets hot. Leg room. Free gin. My heart beats faster. Future Husband in 11B, I bet. Free gin. Free … Continue reading